just got the january 1, 2005 wittenburg door newsletter from the wittenburg door (“the world’s pretty much only religious satire magazine”) and here is “a little piece of jetsam that just flotsammed its unsigned way into our offices” (and is making the rounds on the web):

Dear President Bush,

Thanks for doing all you can to defend God’s Law. I understand and agree with your proposed constitutional amendment to ban same sex marriage. Whenever one of these unbelievers tries to defend “his” or “her” homosexual lifestyle to me, I simply remind them that The Book of Leviticus brands it an abomination. God said it. I believe it. And that’s it. End of conversation.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding a few other elements of God’s Law:

• Leviticus says I can possess slaves, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. I don’t understand. Why can’t I own Canadians?
• I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus. Considering her like-new condition, what do you think would be a fair asking price?
• I know that I am not allowed contact with a woman who is menstruating because she is ceremonially unclean. The problem is how do I know if she is or isn’t? Most women are offended when I ask.
• When I burn a sacrificial bull on our family altar, I know it creates an odor pleasing to the Lord, but my neighbors say it is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
• I have a neighbor who, in spite of the death penalty prescribed in Exodus, insists on working on the Sabbath. Am I obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
• I know Leviticus says that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but can I play football if I wear wool gloves?
• My aunt wears garments made of two kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). She also curses a lot. Do we really have to get the whole town together to stone her? Couldn’t we just burn her to death at a private family affair?

Mr. President, I know you have studied Torah extensively and possess considerable expertise in these weightier matters of the law, so I am confident you can help me. And thanks again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

far-fetched? i hope so…